Monday, December 31, 2012

Letting Go of 2012 (And So Much More)

Last night I woke around 1:30 after going to bed at 9:00. This is not an unusual occurrence. Usually I get up, go to the bathroom, climb back in bed and fall asleep until morning.

But not last night. Last night I tossed and turned, kept awake by a throb in the leg that I had not experienced in a long time. Around 3:30 I got up, grabbed my journal and started writing. One of the things I wrote was this:
"It's hard to be optimistic about life at 3:38 in the morning."
After that came the litany of reasons why that was true. I am debating whether to share these. Oh god. Here goes.
  1. The love of my life (so far) lives on the other side of the country with another woman. (This probably snuck in to the list because I had watched a movie called Young Adult earlier in which an alcoholic Charlize Theron (I mean sloshed 24/7) plays a writer who tries to rekindle an old flame.)
  2. The novel I wanted to have finished by the end of 2012 sits in the computer with the first draft begging to be completed and it's all over the place. I have 95K words, some of which are good, others extraneous, and probably 5K more left to really make it complete.
  3. I have a tumor in my leg, but more urgently, I have a tumor in my chest.
  4. I have an amends to make and resolved yesterday that I would not let another year end without doing it.
  5. I have a friend that I need to vent to and a trunk to retrieve.
  6. I have a home/office that, while it suits my needs, does not support, nor fill my soul and I am tasked with signing another 12-month lease.
  7. I have $1000 worth of bills due as of tomorrow, including rent. (This was troublesome because at the time of writing there was little more than $100 in the bank.)
Once this was all written down and I could do nothing else, I climbed back in bed and slept like a baby until the alarm went off at 7:01.

The reality is:
  1. The love of my life ain't all that and I'm ready and open to being with one who is.
  2. The novel is exactly where it's supposed to be at this stage in the game and forcing myself to write because I should usually has the effect of making me balk like a stubborn mule. (And did. I'm writing this instead tonight.)
  3. The tumor in the leg has been there since the mid-80's. The one in the chest possibly as long.
  4. I wrote the amends letter tonight. As soon as she confirms I have the right email I will send it. Hopefully that happens really soon.
  5. Once #4 is complete, I'll be on to #5.
  6. I will either stay or I won't. The new lease is in an envelope, unopened and unsigned. I would really, really like to have a place where I'm not confronted by haints nearly every evening/night, a place where I can undress without feeling some perverted ghost is ogling me, or that one is hanging out in the corner leering at me while I watch a movie or waiting for me to help it pass to the other side. I want to feel comfortable walking around my house in the dark. Never before has this been as issue. Tonight I had dinner at a friend's house and her brother (out of the blue) told me of a house he has that might work. (I had not and have not told her, him or anyone that I was considering a move!)
  7. I create my own reality. When I went from thinking I needed a loan to believing the money would be provided, a 'miracle' happened.  I stated that God was sending me several new patients this week, starting today. As of last night's writing I only had one patient on the today's schedule, a new one. This morning three regulars booked and then a couple (new patients) called and came in. All today. All of them bought packages (and got a sweet deal!). And I now I have enough money to cover all those expense. God is good.
So here at the tail end of 2012, I am sharing my load, because in the sharing, it becomes lighter. It already has.

May your new year be bright and shining as we create the world we want to live in, rather than the one we've been told we must.

Are you letting go of anything or leaving anything behind in the year 2012 to make way for the new year 2013?

~ Olivia J. Herrell

6 comments:

Christine Hardy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Olivia J. Herrell said...

Christine, thank you, thank you and thank you!

You too have burdens and I hope that sharing has helped them lift as it did mine. Remembering the advice: "Be still and know that I Am God" worked 'magic' in my life. It transformed me.

Will I get sucked back in to the abyss? God I hope not. Aha! There's my answer. God says no. Just keep going back to that place.

Be still and know that: I Am God.

He has both of our backs. Hmm. And our fronts and our sideways, too. I'm going with that. And vowing to stay on the side of positive creativity, rather than dwelling in the dark side. Care to join me?

I'm off to begin the 31-Day Challenge. Hope you're having a marvelous day! It's raining buckets of inspiration here. A rainy day in Georgia.

Thank you so much for being there, on this glorious bohemian pathway to the Divine that we share.

Happy 2013, Sister Writer~

~ Olivia

Christine Hardy said...

Hi Olivia,
I deleted my comment because I realized it was a little too personal concerning my family. But I will leave this up:

God bless you, Olivia. You are such a lovely person and I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. You'll get through all of this with flying colors, I'm sure! I believe in you.

Christine Hardy said...

P.S. and thanks for the encouragement. I'm so glad we're on this "Bohemian pathway to the Divine" together!

Elliot Grace said...

Olivia, your post reached out for my soul, took hold, and squeezed.

Several weeks ago, in the span of three days, a child who we were planning on adopting, was without warning, taken from us and returned to his birth mother, a young lady that only a month earlier was declared incapable of raising her children. My wife's mother was diagnosed with cancer and given less than a year. And just in case that wasn't enough, my mother was diagnosed with the same a day later.

It's been said that he works in mysterious ways...I'd sure appreciate a few minutes of his time in order to explain himself over this whirlwind dilemma.

If in fact I'm ever granted that chat, I'll make sure to invite you along as well. My guess is, you've got a question or two for him also.

I'm fearful of 2013, but what choice do we have but to keep on keepin' on.

I will if you will... ;)

El

Olivia J. Herrell said...

El,

Omigosh! I am so sorry about your baby and your mamas. Talk about a triple slam-dunk! There is little in life more painful than losing a child or a mother. At least that has been my experience. You (and your family) will be in my prayers.

I am fortunate that the tumors in my body are typically nonmalignant. Which is why I'd left the leg tumor alone. I would sure like to find that one someone to love (and be loved by), though.

Elliot, with all the scary stuff happening, surely, surely God will send beauty and joy, too. Surely. I hope so. For all our sake.

BTW, I think God is just as sad and pissed off as we are about the awful stuff.

Yes, forward is the only way to go. Is spite of the challenging stuff, much of what is happening in my life is good. I intended to do a follow-up post on those things. Guess I need to get to that, don't I?

I'm so glad you stopped by. I've been missing you for a very long time. Are you on Facebook yet?

~ Olivia

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